90210 Redux: The Play by Play

A disclaimer before I post my play by play opinion of the new 90210: Shenae Grimes, aka Annie Wilson, plays Darcy Edwards on my beloved Degrassi, so I can't help but be a little biased when it comes to reviewing her, but so far, I think she's pretty good. However, the girl could use a sandwich or six and her head is looking WAY too big for her body. There, now we can begin:

First fantastic thing? The "newscaster" is Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez, who any true fan will recognize as the daughter of former high school senior citizen Andrea Zuckerman and once-upon-a-time bartender, Jesse Vasquez. Followed by the second fantastic thing--"What is that girl, like thirty?" or something like that. Something absolutely hysterical.

Of course, seeing Jennie Garth is absolutely wonderful. Seeing her interact with her high schooler half-sib Erin, who by the way might be the most beautiful person ever at West Beverly? Fantastic. Now I just need to know what happened with Donna and David...and Kelly and Dylan...and where is Brenda?? Bring her on already!

Oh my God, the original theme song...so...bastardized...yikes. They totally should have kept the original, redone the whole glamour shoot...some things just can't be replaced.

Wow, this new cast is annoying and not at all attractive. How I yearn for the days of Luke Perry and Jason Priestley...God, these people are not appealing. And the guy who plays Dixon, Annie's adopted black brother? Worst. Actor. Ever. I mean, I guess it's cool that they actually put a black guy on 90210, but I'm pretty sure they could've found one who could act if they looked a little bit harder. So far, I think the teacher is going to be my 90210 crush. Well, either the teacher or Aunt Becky, er, Lori Loughlin.

It cracks me up that lacrosse is cool. I never knew it was anything until American Pie. Then in Gossip Girl I learned that lacrosse, or "lax," is actually considered studly. (And sure, I'd watch Chace Crawford run around holding a stick for an hour or two.)

Anyway, thus far, I'm unimpressed by the acting, casting, and fashion, but it's got an hour and forty minutes left to pick itself up. I anxiously await!

The Pit? Really? I want to feel like that's a cool update, but it's not. Don't change things if you're not going to make them cool.

Did Aunt Becky just say "penis"? NOT cool. Anyone else feel like this show is trying way too hard to be edgy? At least I like the music, which is funny because it's all a little outdated and overused at this point, but that's fine with me, I like the familiar. Also, these "90210 series premiere" commercials with the stars are really awkward. There is so much awkwardness, and so little chemistry! I know actors sometimes get replaced after the pilot...what are the odds they'll replace everyone? Frankly, I'd rather watch Gabrielle Carteris pretend to be 16 again than watch frizzy-fro bitch and her personality-less man-whore boyfriend.

OK, please tell me Kelly did not just call her sister "Silver." That's like me calling my sister "Croog." Even if she preferred to be called "Croog," I would not call her "Croog." That's just ridiculous. Although, that video was stupid. Silver is pretty, but not so funny.

"I can't believe you copied the whole thing word for word." No, seriously, what DID you think she was going to do? I can't believe I'm saying this but Naomi was totally right. I mean, not that I would've copied the paper to begin with, but ya know. OK and that audition scene was just weird. I did enjoy the song and all, but again, awkward. Annie waaaay oversang, overdanced, overeverything, and I don't blame the bitch for hating her. What's the bitch's name, anyway? Why don't I know? And WHERE IS SHANNEN DOHERTY?

OK, on third glance, Silver is not actually that pretty. But Dixon IS still that bad an actor.

Hahahahahaha I was gonna say "I give Eden's curly hair two weeks, max" but apparently, the CW couldn't even give it that long. I didn't even recognize her. Also, who plays Naomi's mom? She looks kind of familiar, but maybe that's because she looks a little bit like a long-haired Tea Leoni. YIKES, the straight hair makes Naomi's teeth look HUGE.

OMG, I love random crap like this. "Mrs. Clark" and "Mr. Wilson" have a son together? So that makes Naomi and Annie...still not related. Oh well. Now the question is, have we met the son? And if not, where is he?

AAAAAH Kelly has a son! I totally knew it. And by that I mean that I read the rumor somewhere, but anyway, looks like Kelly and Dylan aren't together anymore. :(. At least they managed to procreate! But still, that's a major sadface. And actually, looks like we'll still have to wait to see if the boy is in fact Dylan's.

Why did they even bother starting Annie off with a boyfriend? This "breakup" is weird and lame and the whole thing was so unnecessary. Pathetic. And what really gets me is that there's such stupid writing and bad direction, but the pilot's being done by Mark Piznarski, who did the pilot by Veronica Mars, which was fantastic. So WTF?? Also, in this scene in trashed hallways of the school, Ethan is totally dressed like Ryan from the OC, only it worked way better on Ben McKenzie. Oh my God the writing is so bad, it's SO bad! "This reminded me of you." "Why, because it's crushed?" Jeez, I can't even yell at Yoni for laughing. This is just so bad. And the clothing is NOT good enough to make up for it.

I'm confused by this guy and Annie recognizing him and what? Who is he? Have we seen him? And he's really cute, but his voice? Not actually that good. So are we going to see Brenda now or what? Oh, also, I'm over the teacher. Not actually cute either. Oh, Adriana! So that's her name. She's weird. They're not doing too good a job with her character development.

Oh my God, amazing. "You're too easy! Anyone ever tell you that?" Kelly: "Not lately." That almost beats the Andrea line from the beginning. Almost. I almost forgot that Kelly was such a ho. Ew and could this writing be any more cliche? And why do they have to name people Todd? Ever? Oh, wait, it's Ty.

Why the hell does everyone read Silver's blog? Maybe I should've made the Daily Dahlia nastier. Also, Ethan only gets a slap after Naomi realizes everyone knows about the cheating? But before it was totally cool?

Forty-five minutes left, and so far, not too impressed...

There she is!! And with a dorky Brandon reference. Umm does this mean that Brandon is the father?? And what happened to Shannen Doherty's teeth? Why does she look SO bizarre? And wait, can we revisit? When and why did Kelly have a child with Brandon?? I don't care about these new kids! Tell me about the old schoolers!!

Ethan sucks. Do I really have to watch his stupid face on screen? Can we replace him with someone who has a personality and is attractive? Or can we just focus on Ty? He's cute. And, unfortunately, listed as a guest star, so I guess we know who wins this battle. Lame. And "it must suck getting old"? Shut up, bitch. First of all, you're a young know-it-all. Second of all, his grandmother looks like she's about 50. But I must say, this is a nice house!

OK, now the teacher is getting annoying. He's like Mr. Belding--why the hell is he involved with everything? And what's with Adrianna and her mom? And why do I have to stare at so many grossly skinny legs? Ew. OK, and if that thing happened between Silver and Naomi in 8th grade, that means they haven't been friends since then. So they got tattoos before they turned 13? Yeeeah, good continuity there. Also, weren't Mel and Jackie already divorced by then?

OH MY GOD can they create one freaking non-incredibly cliche'd storyline? There is not one thing here that I haven't seen on another show, from the date that--surprise!--involves an airplane, to one kid taking the blame for the whole team and everyone else finally admitting their involvement, to an old flame later revealing that she kept the kid...jeez. The only one who seems to have potential for a slightly unusual story is Adrianna, but she's so all over the place that they can't figure out what they want her quirk to be. Frankly, I'd be happier watching her sing for five minutes than I would watching this crap. And "I'm breaking up with us" might be the dumbest line of the night.

Again, Shannen's teeth, what's the deal? Pretty flowers though, good job, guy. Also, I love all the references to texting these days--it totally makes grown-ups think they've got their finger on the pulse of young people's activities. Well at least the grown-ups in this show get lots of action--go Aunt Becky!

Aaaand it's over...thank God. Until next week!