The Opposite of Zen

A lot of things confuse me lately. Or they just flat out make me mad. Not that I am new to being confused and/or pissed off, but now I have a blog, which I think is a lovely forum for discussion. Also, there was an article in the Times today about Susie Fishbein, and she totally makes this list.
And so, with no further ado...

Passover By Design. Ms. Fishbein, do you really think we don't notice that you literally cut and pasted recipes from your other Kosher by Design cookbooks, and even used the same pictures, to make this one? I mean seriously--these aren't new! You're just lazy! And you know that we're suckers! And we are, because my Mom bought it! And I want it too! But I am putting my foot down and refusing to buy it, despite the gaping hole its absence leaves in my Susie Fishbein cookbook collection. And yes, it hurts, but sometimes, a person just needs to stand strong. I'm not trying to make any Rosa Parks comparisons here, but I'm pretty proud of myself for not buying that thing.

Jet Li and Jackie Chan being in the same movie. I realize this movie is probably supposed to act as sufficient proof that they're not the same person, but I'm not buying it. I've seen The Parent Trap. I know what they can do with computers and stuff.*

* OK, so I haven't seen the parent trap, but I know that even in her most coked up state, Lindsay Lohan is only one person.

The rules for throwing out makeup. Do you seriously think I'm going to throw out my mascara every three months? Do you know how much DiorShow costs?

"What celebrity does she looks like?" This question doesn't bother me in general--it's not actually that stupid. People are hard to describe--there's long hair and short hair and different colors of hair, there's skin tone of it's notable, with which 90% of people we know, it's not, and there's short, tall, "kind of big," thin...and that's pretty much it. Eye color's pretty useless since it's rarely a defining characteristic--in fact, Maayan Dauber, Dani Leeds, Hannah Lastoff, Melissa Rothwax, and Jessica Lerer are probably the only people I know whom I would describe using their eye color. I don't know how to describe the shape of a face, or a jaw line, or anything of that nature, so actually, picking a familiar face for comparison sounds perfect for people like me.

Except I don't know anyone who looks like celebrities. That stupid Facebook application is so bogus. (Although I'm really liking Scrabulous, even though I suck at it!) My boss looks like of like Laura Linney, my sister looks like Tina Fey, Goldie Robinson varies in my mind between Brooke from the Real World (though obvi not crazy), Amy Lee of Evanescence, and Mila Kunis, and Danielle Levovitz and Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas may as well have been separated at birth as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and if you ask Mickey Blechner Nyer, my husband looks like Ja Rule.

Maybe it's because we're Jews? But some celebrities are Jews, aren't they? How come no one I know looks like Jon Stewart?

No seriously, how come? Yummy.

Padma Lakshmi. How exactly do modeling and marrying one of the most (brilliant but) unattractive writers of our time qualify you to judge people's culinary abilities? Have you ever cooked a meal in your life?

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden. Seriously? The twin brother of Nicole Richie's babydaddy? You guys do not actually have to do everything together. And the worst part is, if she's not pregnant yet, she will be soon. Paris Hilton--procreating.

::Shudder::

People who stand on the subway directly in front of open seats. OK, I get that you don't always want to shove yourself into that space, or you're getting off at the next stop, but now no one else can have that seat either, and you're just creating a bigger standing crowd. Be part of the solution, people. Not part of the problem.

Jason Castro. GO HOME.