The One Who Liked Ramaz

It's 5 a.m., and I have insomnia. Again. My sleep schedule this vacation is appalling, and I have approximately four days to get it back on track. And lying awake in bed makes me nostalgiac, and tonight (today?) I started thinking about high school.

In my house, I'm the kid who liked Ramaz. My brother didn't go. My sister was traumatized. But I liked it. I liked it without having won any awards, without having had any articles published in the RamPage, without having had a real intra-grade romance, without having been selected for senior seminar - hell, without having even really liked freshman seminar. I liked it even though I didn't last more than one year on the volleyball team, and even that year I spent mostly on the bench. I liked it even though I didn't really keep in touch with a single guy in our grade for more than a year, and even though I can think of very little about senior year that I wouldn't take back if I could. And it's strange, because when I think about why I liked it, I don't even have a great answer. I just have these random memories that I piece together; memories of people who are mostly not in my life anymore; memories that I'm pretty sure most of the other parties involved don't even remember. To be fair, I should mention that I am still friends with all ten of the girls I considered to be my closest friends in Ramaz, and even if I realized the rest of it sucked, that might be enough, although the funny part of that is that I would have known all of them anyway, either from SAR, Brovender's, or NYU, with the exception of Rachel Fortgang. (Although, to be fair, Rachel and I were in the same bunk in Ramah when we were five, along with Anna Kohanski and Nannette Herlands, but I only know that from a picture.)

But the point is, the rest of it didn't suck. The rest of it is speaking French with Talia and being bio lab partners with Anna and Caroline and flirting with Oliver in French class and passing notes during Mayerfeld with Daphna and the "chem clique" with Lea, Talia, Marc, and Savage, and sharing a locker with Jon and being Laura's gym partner and going to my first concert (Offspring) with Graber and sitting on the bus with Barrie and sitting in "the lesbo row" in Rabbi Weiser's class and being on Torah Bowl with Liz and Aliza and a semester of being best friends with Ilana and being pursued by Roy Kirsch (which I'd totally forgotten about until I happened upon a picture of him on Facebook - I wonder how he's doing, he was a really nice guy) and latin class and realizing on junior retreat that I was totally in love with Harry and nicknaming Daniel Strauss "Princess" and my sophomore year Dr. Milowitz class which I absolutely adored and would name everyone in it if I could so you could understand why it was such a good class and being forced to go to Zen and Michael Kraft (who I think about apologizing to all the time but never get the guts to do) and when Barrie and Krause liked each other and Hannah Zimet's parties (except for the fact that I wore almost the same dress as she did to her own Sweet 16 - oops) and Shabbos at Harry's house in Mohegan and being class president with Jonah and going to Sasha's apartment in Miami for intersession and losing points on a debate for "being too argumentative" and getting SAT scores with Ricki and thanking God we got the same thing and J. Lou in all our bizarre friendship glory and Eric buying me roses (some of which I still have dried in my room - I'm nothing if not sentimental, obviously) and Herschkopf parties in the Hamptons and Sam, for whom I'm sorry prom sucked and Carly's matching eyeshadow and I can't even unblur the rest right now and it sure seems like I have a lot to be sorry about.

But anyway, we're older, and that means something, and I'm engaged, and the fact that that, and Yoni, have nothing to do with Ramaz is strange to me when I go on these rants, when I think about the fact that through all the guys I liked through the high school years - through Gersh (who was, in full circle fashion, our waiter at his brother's restaurant on our last anniversary), and Adam, and Dovid, and Marc, and Harry, and Kraft, and Ami M., and Jason, and Marco - I had no idea that my future husband even existed. Through the years I was sure I would marry Tani and the brief period where I totally unrealistically kind of hoped I'd marry my Sulam counselor Avi, I had no idea. Even in Israel, when I might have, there was only Zvi, in all of that relationship's brevity, and still, I knew nothing of Yoni Fisch. And that's weird. And I know that. But that's also normal, and in fact the way most relationships end up, I think, and I'm getting to know that too.

In fact, the only thing that pains me now when I think about high school is the fact that I've seen most of our grade since graduation, and I am the only one who I actually think looks worse. Well, I look the same, plus about twenty pounds. Sad. But seriously, I wish I'd gotten the memo that college was the time to get super hot, because really, everyone looks good, and it's nice, I suppose, but I feel like I somehow missed the boat. I'm not gonna lie, it's a nice thing about getting married that I don't really care that I missed that boat, but still. When I run into Tamar Essner or Lara Silberklang and barely recognize them because they both look great but so different, or see pictures of Daniella or Nicole on Facebook and think they looks great, or see Ricki, who I see more than the average, at my New Year's party and still get floored by how pretty she is, or think how great Rachel's hair is now between the highlights and the side bangs, or how hot Jessica Lerer looks all the time, and ditto for Sasha and Laura Altman whether they're blond or brunette, or my envy over the success of Barrie's workout regimens or of how Lea seems to look good in absolutely everything she wears, or how beautifully Talia Fox glows when I run into her and her husband or how much I admire Graber's sense of style...I could go on and on but I know that I sound like a raging lesbian which wasn't what I was going for but it's almost six in the morning and there comes a point in time when tact and thinking are no longer my strong points.

Ramaz, 1998-2002. May other people be inspired to remember you without malice.